traps.

last week i went to a gathering of sorts of people in our community called the community meal experience. it is a once a month event, the whole family comes for a meal with friends, and then we break up into men's and women's groups in separate houses for a time of sharing. a couple of close friends of ours had started it up last fall, so of course we wanted to start attending, and this last week was the first month we had been back for since moving home. i was excited to start going - all of the people who both created the gathering, and who attended it, i respected and loved...however, in general, i must admit that i am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to "church" activities. i've been a part of children's church, youth groups, different denominations, worship "experiences", rallies, and (what seems to me) every cool new community type event that has become popular in the last decade. as most of you know, i also grew up in missions, traveling the developing world at a young age, and then became passionate about sustainable development...i'm coming to realize that all of this combined to create a very confusing spiritual journey for me. you see, it is difficult to try to reconcile people here at home (in the USA) claiming "God's will, his destinies for us, victory in Jesus, and being so blessed" and then be walking into villages where aids is rampant, children starve every day, families share a one room shack, and women walk barefoot to gather dirty water for their kids. especially at a young age, it did not add up for me that these two cultures and types of people could be serving the same God. although i was incredible blessed with amazing parents who helped me navigate through this the best they could (i truly could never ask for better guidance), my soul felt cheated in some way - like i was desperately trying to believe in that fairy tale that you were told as a young girl, and now you've figured out that it just can't be true. in the fairy tale, people shouted that God is good and he takes care of us. they all drove new cars and lived in clean homes. they shopped in grocery stores where they never thought twice about where the food comes from, and they fall asleep knowing with certainty that their child would be ok the next morning. in my reality, i knew better. i knew that there were people with no food. there were little children who had no shoes. this was my spiritual dilemma during childhood.....for these reasons, and many more, i have become skeptical about not only "church" activities, but about my own faith in general. i haven't figured it all out yet, i am still searching for answers.

....back to the point.

as a self proclaimed skeptic i've grown a lot in the past few years of adulthood, and am definitely less angsty towards the western church...and have even learned to embrace it. :). but in a lot of ways, it's still the same old me. i don't know, maybe i felt like i was above the book studies and women's workbooks that i'd experienced so many times before because i'd seen so much beyond them. i know, i know. i sound completely selfish and prideful. this is just me being honest with you, and myself. but either way, i loved the carter and kofahls, respected them both, and knew that i would enjoy and learn from being in the presence of so many like minded individuals.

the night of the dinner, stefan was exhausted from work and porter was tired, so they both stayed home, but i decided i wanted to go and support my people, and off i went to the community meal experience. a very wise woman, Gayle, ended up sharing that evening with the women. she is a little older than i am, and although i don't know her very deeply, every time i looked at her i have always seen a very beautiful and wise woman. when she started sharing, she surprised me with her honesty and brokenness, and i know that all of us in the room felt incredibly blessed and humbled to be a part of those moments. she shared with us her life journey, the hard times, and portions of what had shaped her into the woman she is today. something she shared really stuck out to me, and that was about the traps that we find ourselves falling into, again and again. today i was feeling sorry for myself, i remembered her words...and it had me wondering what my traps were that i find myself in.

#1. loneliness.

i don't know if everyone feels alone, or lonely, often - but i do. i don't honestly know why either. i have a great husband who cares about us, an adorable son who i really can't get rid of (other than nap time) ;), and many friends who - deep down - i know love me and care about me. however, it seems that any time i start to feel slightly insecure about myself, i feel like the world - and all of my friends - don't really love me, and don't really want to spend time with me. (ridiculous, i know.) goal: to try and figure out where this insecurity stems from and i why i seem to find myself falling into this trap, more often than not.

#2. anger.

when i get upset, you probably don't want to be on my bad side. i can hold a grudge like no bodies business, and i will let you know when you cross my line. (again, sorry about the honesty - enough people have told me, so i know it must be true.) i'm also a bit of a control freak...and because there are so many things in this world that you cannot control (read:nearly everything), i get angry about it a lot. i get angry about the worlds poverty and pain, about my own and my neighbors role in it, about people who hurt my friends, and about how helpless i feel to change much of it. i've come to realize in recent months though, that i think this is the enemies way of crippling me and keeping me from taking part in the good. if i am paralyzed by anger and frustration, i cannot be effective in communicating hope and change (not meant to be an obama ad) to those who need it the most.

#3. what if, what could have been.

if i hadn't spent that money, i could....

if i'd stayed in school, then....

i wonder if i had done this...

life is full of what if's and what could have beens...if you let yourself imagine them. if life's journey was a picture, it would be a tree. there are always branches where you make decisions, more than one result that could have been possible, and more than one destination. my problem is often that i find myself thinking of the "what's, then's, and when's" too often. don't get me wrong - i love my life. i wouldn't trade it if you offered me anything in the world. no, it's not my life i would change, it's often the little things i would change if i could. like the money. or the degree. mostly things that would make life easier.....but i am realizing that life is never easier. you may have more money, but it doesn't mean that you are more content. or what do i know, maybe it is easier and i've just never had the money and the house and the car, so i don't know - but either way, i'm done trying to wonder if it could have been.

although most of this sounds like babble, i've connected the dots in a new way this week. when i went to the carter's last week, i wasn't expecting to make a grounding discovery in my shaky spiritual journey. but i did. i mean come on, of all the places i have been - to be in lafayette, colorado and to put together a piece of my puzzle that never seemed to fit before? yes, God always seems to find a way to prove me wrong. and although i may still be navigating and trying to decipher what are our fairy tails and what should be our realities, i'm so glad that i'm not above a wednesday night church group, and that i can be surprised by it - by beautiful and wise women, and by God - even if i don't expect it or understand it.

the new me.

i used to be an avid blogger. i've always loved to write - in a different life i may have dreamed of filling pages of books with stories and thoughts, however; in the last year my writing fell by the wayside as i transitioned from an office manager with many extra hours of free time into becoming the mother of an infant who has quickly turned into a very busy and energetic little boy, and a full time pre nursing student. every time i visited my old blog(s) and read my posts, there was always a twinge of sadness...not only do i love to write, but (as most of my family and close friends can attest) i chose to use my blogs as an outlet for my ideas, dreams, and opinions of things i am most passionate about. i have often felt like i have let go of part of myself by not blogging this past year, since i've been writing consistently for about a decade now....so when we decided to move back to colorado and i knew i would be taking several months off of school, i decided that i needed to push myself back into reclaiming my passion for writing again. with no anatomy flashcards to study or physics tests to stress me out, i hope to have more time to dedicate to sharing my thoughts, passions, and sometimes direct opinion with those who choose to read me.

once i found my old password and was able to log into my account again, i spent some time going over my thoughts from previous years. reading old blogs is sort of like unlocking an old diary and looking into a mirror of who you used to be. sometimes i blush a little at my brashness, roll my eyes at my immaturity, and every once in a great while i am proud of myself for who i've been, and the things i've stood for. the first thing i noticed this time around was the title of my page: "thoughts of a wanderer". my first instinct was to click "edit" and change my title, because it is obviously more of a representation of who i once was rather than who i am today...someone who changed location and moved a lot (although i did recently move cross country twice in one year...), someone whose thoughts were always wandering the globe, obsessed with global development and how we were all interconnected, a version of me who had no idea what was coming - that in two short years I, genae, would actually be settled down in the suburbs of colorado, at home full time with my son, cleaning up toys from the living room, watching "baby einstein", folding laundry, and holding onto a dream of someday helping women and babies in birth. yes; a lot has changed in the past few years for me, and when i saw "wanderer" i realized i am not much of a wanderer anymore. my life is fairly predictable and i strive more for stability than the unexpected now - but in light of that, i am choosing to keep my title so that it will remind me that although i may be physically confined to my 3 bedroom townhouse most days, loving on my son and doing what seems unimportant to most of the world, i want to remind myself to not forget that part of me that cares so much for the world afar, and that my blog can be an outlet for my wandering thoughts and crazy opinions that i'm unable to talk about on a daily basis.

and so this is the beginning of something new. i look forward to journeying with all of you.