Seven Factoids.

For you Liz...I forgot, but you reminded me. :)

Seven Random Facts about Me

1) i'm completely and totally addicted to Burts Bees chapstick with peppermint. if i go out without it, i usually buy a new one because i can't stand being without it.

2) i love pregnant women...when i see them, even if i don't know them, i just want to talk to them...become friends, and then be their doula. haha.

3) i love to cook...but when i do i want to make awesome meals. if i can't, i'd rather just eat frozen pizza.

4) at 15, i wore fishnets, big black boots, and short plaid skirts and went to punk rock concerts and moshed with the big boys. yeah....not so sure why i thought that was so cool.

5) i worked at a movie store for one day, and never went back.

6) if i had the opportunity to do anything i wanted this year, i would go on an all inclusive vacation to a beach with my hubby, for a week - just us, sun, drinks, food, and fun. we've only been on a handful of dates since porter was born - so i kinda miss him.

7) i've recently become obsessed with the shows "16 and pregnant" and "teen mom". parts of the shows break my heart for these immature kids and innocent babies, and then i love it because of the amazing bravery and maturity others show. catelyn and tyler are my favorites. (i know, it's on MTV).

now, repost 7 facts about yourself because i'd like to know them.

traps.

last week i went to a gathering of sorts of people in our community called the community meal experience. it is a once a month event, the whole family comes for a meal with friends, and then we break up into men's and women's groups in separate houses for a time of sharing. a couple of close friends of ours had started it up last fall, so of course we wanted to start attending, and this last week was the first month we had been back for since moving home. i was excited to start going - all of the people who both created the gathering, and who attended it, i respected and loved...however, in general, i must admit that i am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to "church" activities. i've been a part of children's church, youth groups, different denominations, worship "experiences", rallies, and (what seems to me) every cool new community type event that has become popular in the last decade. as most of you know, i also grew up in missions, traveling the developing world at a young age, and then became passionate about sustainable development...i'm coming to realize that all of this combined to create a very confusing spiritual journey for me. you see, it is difficult to try to reconcile people here at home (in the USA) claiming "God's will, his destinies for us, victory in Jesus, and being so blessed" and then be walking into villages where aids is rampant, children starve every day, families share a one room shack, and women walk barefoot to gather dirty water for their kids. especially at a young age, it did not add up for me that these two cultures and types of people could be serving the same God. although i was incredible blessed with amazing parents who helped me navigate through this the best they could (i truly could never ask for better guidance), my soul felt cheated in some way - like i was desperately trying to believe in that fairy tale that you were told as a young girl, and now you've figured out that it just can't be true. in the fairy tale, people shouted that God is good and he takes care of us. they all drove new cars and lived in clean homes. they shopped in grocery stores where they never thought twice about where the food comes from, and they fall asleep knowing with certainty that their child would be ok the next morning. in my reality, i knew better. i knew that there were people with no food. there were little children who had no shoes. this was my spiritual dilemma during childhood.....for these reasons, and many more, i have become skeptical about not only "church" activities, but about my own faith in general. i haven't figured it all out yet, i am still searching for answers.

....back to the point.

as a self proclaimed skeptic i've grown a lot in the past few years of adulthood, and am definitely less angsty towards the western church...and have even learned to embrace it. :). but in a lot of ways, it's still the same old me. i don't know, maybe i felt like i was above the book studies and women's workbooks that i'd experienced so many times before because i'd seen so much beyond them. i know, i know. i sound completely selfish and prideful. this is just me being honest with you, and myself. but either way, i loved the carter and kofahls, respected them both, and knew that i would enjoy and learn from being in the presence of so many like minded individuals.

the night of the dinner, stefan was exhausted from work and porter was tired, so they both stayed home, but i decided i wanted to go and support my people, and off i went to the community meal experience. a very wise woman, Gayle, ended up sharing that evening with the women. she is a little older than i am, and although i don't know her very deeply, every time i looked at her i have always seen a very beautiful and wise woman. when she started sharing, she surprised me with her honesty and brokenness, and i know that all of us in the room felt incredibly blessed and humbled to be a part of those moments. she shared with us her life journey, the hard times, and portions of what had shaped her into the woman she is today. something she shared really stuck out to me, and that was about the traps that we find ourselves falling into, again and again. today i was feeling sorry for myself, i remembered her words...and it had me wondering what my traps were that i find myself in.

#1. loneliness.

i don't know if everyone feels alone, or lonely, often - but i do. i don't honestly know why either. i have a great husband who cares about us, an adorable son who i really can't get rid of (other than nap time) ;), and many friends who - deep down - i know love me and care about me. however, it seems that any time i start to feel slightly insecure about myself, i feel like the world - and all of my friends - don't really love me, and don't really want to spend time with me. (ridiculous, i know.) goal: to try and figure out where this insecurity stems from and i why i seem to find myself falling into this trap, more often than not.

#2. anger.

when i get upset, you probably don't want to be on my bad side. i can hold a grudge like no bodies business, and i will let you know when you cross my line. (again, sorry about the honesty - enough people have told me, so i know it must be true.) i'm also a bit of a control freak...and because there are so many things in this world that you cannot control (read:nearly everything), i get angry about it a lot. i get angry about the worlds poverty and pain, about my own and my neighbors role in it, about people who hurt my friends, and about how helpless i feel to change much of it. i've come to realize in recent months though, that i think this is the enemies way of crippling me and keeping me from taking part in the good. if i am paralyzed by anger and frustration, i cannot be effective in communicating hope and change (not meant to be an obama ad) to those who need it the most.

#3. what if, what could have been.

if i hadn't spent that money, i could....

if i'd stayed in school, then....

i wonder if i had done this...

life is full of what if's and what could have beens...if you let yourself imagine them. if life's journey was a picture, it would be a tree. there are always branches where you make decisions, more than one result that could have been possible, and more than one destination. my problem is often that i find myself thinking of the "what's, then's, and when's" too often. don't get me wrong - i love my life. i wouldn't trade it if you offered me anything in the world. no, it's not my life i would change, it's often the little things i would change if i could. like the money. or the degree. mostly things that would make life easier.....but i am realizing that life is never easier. you may have more money, but it doesn't mean that you are more content. or what do i know, maybe it is easier and i've just never had the money and the house and the car, so i don't know - but either way, i'm done trying to wonder if it could have been.

although most of this sounds like babble, i've connected the dots in a new way this week. when i went to the carter's last week, i wasn't expecting to make a grounding discovery in my shaky spiritual journey. but i did. i mean come on, of all the places i have been - to be in lafayette, colorado and to put together a piece of my puzzle that never seemed to fit before? yes, God always seems to find a way to prove me wrong. and although i may still be navigating and trying to decipher what are our fairy tails and what should be our realities, i'm so glad that i'm not above a wednesday night church group, and that i can be surprised by it - by beautiful and wise women, and by God - even if i don't expect it or understand it.

the new me.

i used to be an avid blogger. i've always loved to write - in a different life i may have dreamed of filling pages of books with stories and thoughts, however; in the last year my writing fell by the wayside as i transitioned from an office manager with many extra hours of free time into becoming the mother of an infant who has quickly turned into a very busy and energetic little boy, and a full time pre nursing student. every time i visited my old blog(s) and read my posts, there was always a twinge of sadness...not only do i love to write, but (as most of my family and close friends can attest) i chose to use my blogs as an outlet for my ideas, dreams, and opinions of things i am most passionate about. i have often felt like i have let go of part of myself by not blogging this past year, since i've been writing consistently for about a decade now....so when we decided to move back to colorado and i knew i would be taking several months off of school, i decided that i needed to push myself back into reclaiming my passion for writing again. with no anatomy flashcards to study or physics tests to stress me out, i hope to have more time to dedicate to sharing my thoughts, passions, and sometimes direct opinion with those who choose to read me.

once i found my old password and was able to log into my account again, i spent some time going over my thoughts from previous years. reading old blogs is sort of like unlocking an old diary and looking into a mirror of who you used to be. sometimes i blush a little at my brashness, roll my eyes at my immaturity, and every once in a great while i am proud of myself for who i've been, and the things i've stood for. the first thing i noticed this time around was the title of my page: "thoughts of a wanderer". my first instinct was to click "edit" and change my title, because it is obviously more of a representation of who i once was rather than who i am today...someone who changed location and moved a lot (although i did recently move cross country twice in one year...), someone whose thoughts were always wandering the globe, obsessed with global development and how we were all interconnected, a version of me who had no idea what was coming - that in two short years I, genae, would actually be settled down in the suburbs of colorado, at home full time with my son, cleaning up toys from the living room, watching "baby einstein", folding laundry, and holding onto a dream of someday helping women and babies in birth. yes; a lot has changed in the past few years for me, and when i saw "wanderer" i realized i am not much of a wanderer anymore. my life is fairly predictable and i strive more for stability than the unexpected now - but in light of that, i am choosing to keep my title so that it will remind me that although i may be physically confined to my 3 bedroom townhouse most days, loving on my son and doing what seems unimportant to most of the world, i want to remind myself to not forget that part of me that cares so much for the world afar, and that my blog can be an outlet for my wandering thoughts and crazy opinions that i'm unable to talk about on a daily basis.

and so this is the beginning of something new. i look forward to journeying with all of you.

it is hard to believe that my trip has come and gone, and i find myself once again sitting at my desk at work....wondering where the time went.

although i was quite busy for the entirety of my trip, and even upon return i feel like time has slipped through my fingers, i probably could have had time to update at least one more blog. yet, in all honesty i found it difficult to express my true thoughts and feelings out loud about the trip - i knew that i would feel emotionally exhausted if i tried to find the the words.

before leaving for Cambodia, i think that all three of us involved felt like it would be an incredible journey and experience...not only for Who Cares? as an organization, but also for each of us individually. having never met michelle before the trip, knowing her now and watching her experience the people of Cambodia, i am encouraged and thrilled at her passion for sharing what she knows and becoming and ambassador for those without a voice. i think that Who Cares? will continue doing "exposure" trips for people much like michelle - i think that it is a wonderful idea, to promote awareness and global responsibility by allowing people to experience developing nations and sustainable development first hand. it also encouraged me alittle - at times i feel like the western evangelical church is a lost cause. i know that is a very inclusive statement - i don't mean that all christians are selfish and don't care about others, but at times i feel like the church as a whole, and sometimes myself included has really missed the boat. when i examine the lifes of Cambodian christians, i'm ashamed of who we are here in America. there was a man in Poipet the same time as us, his name was John and he worked for Tear Australia, a Christian NGO working to change and prevent global poverty. i was glad to spend time with him, he was a great person to get to know, and we talked alot about the development work that Tear is involved with. however it was interesting because, everyday CHO's staff gathers at their headquarters to have devotionals and worship together. on the day that John shared, he explained that part of his job with Tear was to "travel and speak at churches, convincing them that we should help people in poverty." i thought it was quite ironic, and couldn't help but look around at the faces of the CHO workers who all live by much less than we do. i thought it was ironic because i couldn't help but think back to the previous day when i had been engaged in conversation with several of the CHO workers, and they had been relaying to me that they realized a long time ago that their Christianity and faith was irrelevant unless they actually helped change peoples daily lives. this is why CHO has been so successful and such an incredible ministry throughout the Poipet region - Cambodian families lives have been transformed, they can now provide for themselves and their families and are no longer living in hopelessness.

it was exciting to see the projects and initiatives the CHO has started in Poipet...one is called Carpets for Communities. Carpets for Communities is a practical approach to reducing child labor and vulnerability to child trafficking in Poi Pet, Cambodia which empowers mothers to send their children to school through the production and sale of one-of-a-kind, hand-hooked carpets. PLEASE please check out their website...i love the work they do and what it is doing for the community. Aiyana and I have discussed starting a similar outlet for the CHO Sewing initiative, where we would start a similar business venture outlet here in the states to allow the CHO graduates to sell their clothes for a fair wage here in CO and NY. i'm really excited about these ideas and hope that they can really take root....

Siem Reap was much different than Poipet - most obviously, you can see the economical influence of tourism. being at the temples was an incredible experience. not only are they majestic and just incredibly detailed, there is a definite spiritual sense there, and i found it it very peaceful and a great place to spend in contemplation. i think alot of the direction that i felt from the trip came from those days in Siem Reap.

to finish this post, i'll include a few pictures of my time in Cambodia - for more pictures visit here and here.

talk. politics.

Lately, with all of the primaries going on, and the political talk that has been increasingly heated over the last six months - I've found out a lot about the people vying for the nominations, and the people who are voting them into office. I consider myself to be a fairly aware citizen of the United States. I do my best to educate myself on issues concerning the nation and people around the world. I admit that I don't know everything there is to know about politics, I still have a lot to learn, however - one of my biggest annoyances is when people run their mouths off about politics and political candidates when they have no idea what they are talking about. Regardless of whether they are acting in support of, or against a certain political party - it's simple people, don't open your mouth and give your opinion unless it is an educated one and you have taken the time to learn about policies and issues. don't be liberal because it's cool and don't be conservative to grow against the grain. I have also become acutely aware that for the general public, most people are single or two issue voters. Most people find one or two issues that they have an opinion for, and that is why they vote for certain candidates. I have also found that the majority of the time, these issues are "simple answer" issues....take gay marriage, for a conservative voter, the answer is easy "NO". take healthcare...for a liberal citizen, the answer is "universal healthcare". easy enough right? take abortion...either side it is easy to answer, pro life or pro choice. Unfortunately, most people pick one or two of the most popular issues on each side and that is what they base their votes off of. I'm not saying I completely blame people for this, or that I am guilt free in this area - generally speaking, most people need an emotional or immediate connection with something in order to actually take action. However, I still consider it unfortunate for all of us because I think we could have a lot stronger and better government if we were more than "single" issue voters. take the issue of abortion for example..... one of the biggest issues within conservative circles is that of abortion. the sanctity of life. a lot of people vote based solely on this issue.....don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to say that people should not vote with this in mind, however I find it unfortunate when people look at a candidate, discover that they are pro life (versus the other politician being pro choice) and they immediately decide who's side they are taking when that particular person could have terrible policies in every other area regarding the sanctity and rights of life. "pro-life" all too often just means protecting the right of a child to be born...and neglects that life after it is brought into this world. healthcare for children and mothers, education and opportunity, safety here and abroad, war...these are all issues that deal with the sanctity of life, yet why are they considered less important? why is it not considered worth our "christian" time to deal with the issues of genocide and starvation and the AIDS epidemic of millions of people globally, yet it IS somehow worth our time and efforts to stop abortion here? i consider myself pro life, but not just when it comes to abortion....pro life means caring for all life, those who are abused, left unprotected, and cast aside by the many. I cannot consciously vote for candidates who have terrible policies in issues such as health care and education solely based on the fact that they are pro life. i understand that everyone, including me, has their "issues" that are most important....however, i'm just honestly so tired of people hating or loving a candidate based on one issue that they heard about. how can this country truly improve if the citizens aren't willing to step up and really take part in the government? sick of war? tired of the healthcare problems? annoyed with the economy? hate big business? do something about it.

Purple Martini

here are just a few pictures of everyone out at Jill's birthday party at the Purple Martini in Boulder. The first is of Jill and I (the birthday girl) and the whole group of us that went out. Thanks to half price happy hour - I was able to try an array of tasty martini's, such as Raspberry Lemondade and a Peach Martini. I usually am not willing to spend $10 on a drink i'm not positive that I will like. all in all, it was a lovely evening - i enjoyed being out with the ladies! it was the first time in a long time that liz was able to go out with us since little harper made his appearance, so i enjoyed having my friend "back". I have to say that i have been tremendously blessed by moving here and being able to meet all of these amazing women. when i left connecticut, i was convinced that i would never find friends like i was leaving behind....dovon, courtney, ricci...these women were my family, like my sisters. 7 months into living here - and i have found so many amazing friends, not all of whom i am in the exact same place in life with, or who i share everything in common with, but that regardless i am connecting with them, growing in friendship, and learning from them. not that i have replaced my "old" friends, i'm not really ever looking to....i'm just pleasantly blessed and surprised that i've found so many amazing friends here in colorado.

so here's to ladies nights, laughter, and dancing at 'round midnight in boulder with my "new" friends.

...

two weeks from friday and i'll be headed out of the united states....

luckily i was able to book my flights to bangkok with Aiyana and Michelle - the two other women going on the trip. I originally thought that I would have to make the trip alone, and then meet up with them once I arrived in Thailand. Thank goodness that I don't have to! I was looking at a multiple stop ticket and a ten hour layover in Korea by myself....not ideal really. Well it worked out financially and time wise to travel with them, yay! So the tickets are booked....now all I need is to get my name change done on my passport and my typhoid shot. Thankfully, Denver is one of very few locations in the US that you can walk into a building and get your passport back in the same day...the only problem is that it is in south east denver. the exact opposite side from where we live....and since I can't really take another day off of work, I have to go down and fill out the paper work one day, and then drive back and pick it up another day. ugh. just what i want to do...drive an hour each way twice in one week.....not to mention i'll have to maneuver the giant sinkhole that's formed in I25. wish me luck i suppose.

tomorrow night for valentines day we are spending the evening with three of our close friends/couples. instead of each going out, we are getting together and cooking dinner together and drinking wine, while the guys do "man things" and drink beer in the living room. :) then we will just all hang out for the evening....steef and i also decided that instead of buying eachother something we didn't need, we are going to pick two different organizations and donate money to them instead.....i think we have settled on Love146 and then purchasing an item for a family through Heifer. Maybe some chickens or something. :)

i hope everyone has a wonderful valentines day together.